Who do I want to be? Who do I need to be?

I walked outside this morning to leave for work and stood on the crack where our carport meets the driveway.

It felt a little like Doc Graham in Field of Dreams crossing from field to gravel, young to old, carefree baseball to life and death.

Who do I want to be today? I asked myself silently as I stood there.

Who do I need to be today? Not for myself, but for others?

Last Saturday we went to Home Depot to get some spare keys made. In the car on the way home, Sean spoke. "Did you notice that the guy talked to us the whole time, but didn't say anything to the black guy before us?"

Yes. I did notice. It takes a few minutes to get keys made. The older white man was silent as he took the keys from the older black man, the only sound the crunching of metal in the machine.

"Hot out there, isn't it?" the white man said as soon as we approached, the black man on his way. "I need to take my walks early these days..."

We would have thought nothing of it except for what had transpired moments before.

Silence. Crunching metal.

Who do I want to be? Who do I need to be?

I am a white woman and I know it. I'm trying to actively work with that, piece by piece, layer by layer, day by day. A blog post won't change much of anything, I know. Especially a short one that I still took two hours to write.

But maybe the questions that I asked myself this morning, at the edge of my carport, on the edge of a new day that two black men and five law enforcement officers couldn't wake up to see--maybe those are good questions to ask every morning.

Who do I want to be? Who do I need to be?

Not for myself, but for others?

I write a lot of words, but more and more, I feel like speaking them face to face is even better. Even if I stutter or stammer or mess up. And so I hugged my black friends and coworkers today. I told them I was with them. I heard some of their stories. We'll share more in the days to come.

And in these moments, when I worked for who I wanted and needed to be for others, I found that I also became who I wanted and needed to be for myself. 

"On days like this, it feels like our compassion is the only thing we can control." -- Clint Smith

The big sister's toast.

I'm switching up Friday posts a bit, because I want to share the toast I gave at my little brother's rehearsal dinner one week ago in New Orleans. I had fun writing it, and it garnered way more laughter than I expected, which was fun for this gal who definitely did not get her brother's comedic side. All the more apt that writing about him would bring it out in me. We had a fantastic weekend celebrating M&M, and can't wait to see what's next.

Mason is the cause of my first memory, and it's a bad one.

For those of you who don't know, he was born on October 30, which meant that I, a toddler, got to spend a couple of nights at Nana and Pop-Pop's house, including Halloween night. I still have an image--may I repeat, the first thing about life that I actually remember on my own-- of the front door opening to reveal a cluster of scary monsters.

And it didn't get better. As you can see from these photos, I was clearly not pleased at the new little thing that was now taking up my parents' attention. [Claire takes time to show the gathered wedding party the two photos that she made sure to print out before leaving for New Orleans.]

I suppose I slowly got over the shock. Mason was annoying, as most little brothers are, but the times I was most frustrated with him were when we'd play one on one basketball and he'd demolish me, even though he was smaller than me. Being the perfectionist older sister, I'd start to "beat up" on him, and he would just laugh and laugh. But we'd also have fun skating on that same patio pretending we were the Mighty Ducks.

Once we hit high school and had pretty much the same friend group, I realized my little brother is pretty cool. He is hilarious, and can always make me laugh. Even though we're two years apart, we got our drivers licenses on the same day (oops, my bad); He introduced me to some of my favorite rap songs, and I would always willingly let him drive us around, blasting Outkast or Flo Rida around Decatur.

Along with these great qualities, though you may not be able to tell from his teeny tiny first grade level handwriting, he is clever and sharp, incredibly smart. For a kid who hated school, he sure does well at it. He has a strong moral compass, and has always known what he believes and why he believes it. If he wasn't so set on PT school, I'd say he would have a good career in social justice--and maybe he'll find a way to do that too.

Of course, being not just a man but an Asbury man, he loves sports, and being an Asbury man from Atlanta, he isn't surprised when they disappoint him. But he keeps coming back. How many Saturdays growing up did I spend at Briarlake soccer field, basketball court, even for one season the baseball field? And then he found tennis, which catapulted him into high school and through college and beyond- without which he wouldn't have made many of the friends in this room. As an Asbury woman who also grew up with sports ingrained in my psyche, I'll never forget sharing my experience of being Steph Curry's college classmate with my NBA-loving, Duke-hating brother; getting to introduce the two of you is still one of the best gifts I'm grateful I could give. (We won't talk about last Sunday night.)

Mason dated a lot more than I did in high school, so when he told us that he was "kinda" dating this girl from college, I took it in stride. Then we found out her name was Macie, which, not gonna lie, made us all do a double take and then laugh a little. The best part may have been the first summer they were dating, in 2009, when they showed up to a party both wearing the exact same yellow Ralph Lauren polo. Twinsies!

But it was clear that Macie wasn't just any other girl, and I could tell that as I spent more time with the two of them on trips and weekends at home over the next seven (!) years. They have the same sense of humor, which is what stands out to me most, because if Mason is going to spend the rest of his life with someone, she needs to have a sense of humor. Macie also pushes him to be his best, and vice versa. It's wonderful to see how content Mason is when he's with Macie. They support and ground each other, and have succeeded in dorms, long distance, and now as the proud parents of two cats (which you can officially thank me for, since I'm the one who found Lucky on the side of the road at the beach).

 For me, Macie "officially" joined the family when she was so involved in helping to care for our grandfather after his stroke before he was moved to hospice care. She was in nursing school at the time, and would go over to Emory ICU when she had time and be with my family and help the nurses. This is when Mason and I both lived out of state, and so it meant extra much to know that Macie could be there when we couldn't. My favorite story is when Pop-Pop-- still feisty, though he couldn't speak-- tried to pull out his catheter, and Macie had a fierce but silent fight with him to make sure it stayed in. I wish I could have seen that! Your care of him and our family during his final days made me really feel like you were part of the family. He called you his little New Orleans girl, and I know he's celebrating with us in spirit.

Mason, I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy for you both. Sean and I want you two to know that we'll always be here to encourage you, listen to you, and have fun with you. You're the best brother ever, and I'm so happy to be getting an official sister! May you have a long and happy marriage, full of laughter. Cheers.

The Friday Five: or maybe more than five.

Slowly getting back into the blogging groove. Since I haven't posted Friday Five weekly updates in awhile, I thought I'd do an overall "good things!" post from the last couple of weeks since we returned from our PNW adventure. Here we go!

Staff summer potlucks have returned at work! I have a special place in my heart for these weekly traditions because my first day on the job two (!) years ago happened to be a potluck Thursday, where I first began to get to know my awesome coworkers. This week I contributed to our "breakfast for lunch" theme, with two quiches (spinach + onion, broccoli + garlic, both with gruyere cheese) from the Moosewood Cookbook. Pretty proud that they turned out well on my first try!

A dear coworker had her healthy + adorable baby boy, which brings a lot of joy to our community, and obviously to their family. I felt very much like a proud office little sister running up and down the halls after getting the text, shouting, "We have a baby! We have a baby!"

I took my folks to see Garrison Keillor's final Atlanta taping of A Prairie Home Companion, which they raised me on as a child. We'd been to see a show once before about 10 years ago, but it was special to know this was the last time he'd be in town. We sat in literally the top row of the fabulous Fox, and enjoyed the news from Lake Wobegon, Guy Noir, and the amazing Ricky Skaggs and the Kentucky Thunder. But maybe my favorite part was walking into the theatre as Garrison was leading the audience in old time hymns. It was wonderful to have a bit of worship together. (Then Mom and Dad took me out to dinner at The Colonnade, open in Atlanta since 1927. Whoa!)

Peaches. And blueberries. And raspberries. All summer fruit. But mostly peaches. They make breakfasts so much juicier.

Got a chance to have a good catch up with my grandmother this past weekend, eating lunch with her and other church members and then spending time with her one-on-one. I am always grateful for those moments!

Also caught up with my dear friend Liz on the phone--it's such a gift to have friends that you feel close to no matter how often you get to chat!

Since May, I've been meeting with a gentleman to help him write his memoir. It's been so fun and rewarding to hear his life stories, to have valuable discussions about the decisions we make in personal writing and why, and to see his own writing voice develop. He's teaching me a lot!

I didn't pay much mind to National Doughnut Day the other week, until a marvelous coworker brought in a whole box of Sublime doughnuts for our office suite. Then I started paying a lot of mind. Yum!

We had a fun night out at Sweetwater Brewery last weekend, supporting JDRF Rock the Cure for Type 1 diabetes. Took a brewery tour, ate delicious Roasters bbq, and had fun rocking out to the epic '80s cover band Members Only.

The Emory community held a service of remembrance for the victims of the Orlando shooting on Tuesday. It meant a lot to come together in silence, song, and prayer to celebrate their lives and cry.

It takes some time to get back into regular life after a big trip, and I'm grateful that we have. I'm grateful for our little house, my husband's delicious meals, the hum of the dishwasher, the daisy on the front porch (that I'm actually watering enough for it to stay alive). Even though we're both working and it's insanely hot, it still feels good for it to be summer, and to be at home.

But soon we're headed for another adventure: my little bro is getting married! I can't wait to celebrate with them, plus see a bunch of family and friends who don't get together often. Closing out June (did it fly by or what?) with joyous celebration!